Insignificance — A Chat.

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I’ve been meaning to write about a little something that’s been (sorta) occasionally troubling me. ‘Troubling’ not as ‘its upsetting’ or anything but it’s just making me think about wanting to try something new/different. I know I’m making no sense right now and this shroud of vagueness might seem unnecessary but uh, please stay a while and read ahead..maybe I’ll reach some clarity.

Anyway, so it’s about the future of this blog, the future of my writing as it is, and the future that I would like to work towards.

Now before I hope I’ve scared you, don’t freak out, I’m in no way quitting, there’s no abandoning or betrayal or any-other-sad-stuff-you-can-think-of-like-a-sunken-Oreo, it’s kind of the opposite. I’ve had this blog for 2 wonderful years, in which, on a personal scale, I’ve achieved stuff I wouldn’t otherwise ever could. Sure, I still don’t have my own page on Wikipedia but that doesn’t match the feeling of opening up your browser, typing the letter ‘t’ and landing on a page that looks absolutely average, yes, but it feels like home.

And now I know I’m doing what I usually do when I attempt to talk (or write) in a straightforward manner i.e. not be straightforward enough but what I’m saying is that looking at this blog, its front-page, makes me consider it as an extension of myself, one which grows a little each day and reminds me why an 18 year can chase after her dream.

A dream that I’m uncertain of, to be honest. That’s the crux of the matter, I guess. What do I want this blog to grow into? I don’t know if I have the audacity to control the path it takes, I’m half part confused and other part motivated (also all-part lazy but that’s a talk for some other time..). It’s just the thought of why does putting so much effort even matter when no one is going to bother caring or even noticing what I do and I know I should hate thinking like that. I can’t let self doubt get in the way of becoming a better writer, gaining a greater online presence and of making things I’m proud of.

So I guess this is a sort of pep talk to myself, a shoulder pat against the feeling of insignificance.

Tinkerer of Words, for me, has, and will continue to be, bigger than just a blog. In fact, it’s the starting line and I am mustn’t be afraid of running. 

 

-Toto

Also shoutout to Kate over at plethoricthoughts who’s been having thoughts of revamping her blog! Reading her posts on the struggle has been oddly therapeutic and ya’ll should go check her blog even though I’m not being paid, nor asked, to do this. (#WouldNotMindBeingPaidThou 😉 )
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Them and Me.

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I write these words, hoping to have a therapeutic transaction between us. Them and me. Them—the words—to go away, and me: to move a step closer to more steps ahead. I tell myself, “I write for myself.” Yet these steps are a never-ending stretch of fatigue and the thought of you reading this, quickens my pace. So is the work of those enthralled with words…or so I hope.

-Toto

limitless combinations.

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I look at a bustling street to realise:

never will
the same people be
at the same place
as once.


and I
can’t help but wonder:

isn’t this telling of
the lives we’re living?

a few steps here or
a few steps there
and my life is a new life
and your life, too,

changes?

-Toto

p.s. wrote that last night. just random stuff.
oh & last exam left. back to frequent blog posts soon!
🙂  

A Grade Talk.

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Hi. How you doing? Hope you’re feeling awesome. ❓

So I’ve began to write not knowing what to write, and instead depending on this teeny notion that perhaps a good ol’ blabber session would seem something like you’d be more than happy to read. Shall I presume I am right in this belief remains, yet, to be seen. Teehee. 🙄

Anyway. I know I haven’t write in a while and I know I say that every time like it’s become an un-offical official intro but I really shouldn’t be letting this bond between punctual posts and me break into sad, unfixable pieces. It isn’t right and I’m responsible but I’m also set to give some insanely hectic A Level exams in about a month and just looking at the date right now gave me goosebumps. Thus, you can imagine my lack of presence on SoP, I hope.

On the matter of what’s new, I’ve had some recent rethinking on the importance of grades and as a result, frustrations of the typical education system(s) that are more like conveyor belts through hell. And I don’t mean to whine like this is the number 1 issue we face because oh God, the world’s got an entire plater of problems as it is but, eh, can’t help thinking!

Seriously though, the idea of “results define your future” is intended as a great way to encourage you but instead, it ends up doing more damage due to the way society tends to heighten it beyond belief. I mean, there is nothing wrong in trying to do (and be) the best in whatever it is you set out to do and in fact, you SHOULD be doing just that no matter if it is obliged or expected from you. I don’t mind that, AT ALL.

What I do mind is just the intensity with which I personally have spent the last, say, 8 months of my life feeling as though I am on a ladder, continuously climbing and climbing to a place I am told will open the doors to my future. And so, this sort of smudges the good intention of “just trying your best”, in favour of highlighting the tension and chaos and exhaustion that comes with wanting to have the “best grades”. You just phase out into this state of fixating your future and happiness ONLY to a bunch of alphabets and that shouldn’t be the case. You shouldn’t have to depend on a piece of paper to validate your worth or even have the world be eager enough to equate it directly to YOU, as a person.

Surely, no system of “education” would be considered “educational” were it to preach such values, would it?

 

And remember:

Too much of anything is good for nothing.

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Until next time,
Toto
😎